What is Forrest Gump’s password?“1forrest1”

I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something

A big cat escaped it's cage at the zoo yesterday. If I saw that I'd puma pants.

A man tried to sell me a coffin today... I told him that's the last thing I need.

I burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night... I should've put it on aloha setting.

When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo I had to put my foot down.

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.... Then it's a soap opera

Ever noticed that glass tastes like blood?

What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit? A ba-na-na-na!!!

The rotation of earth really makes my day.

Don't kiss your wife with a runny nose. You might think it's funny, but it's snot.

RIP boiled water. You will be mist.

If you're shopping for horses in the dark, go for stallions. I mean, you don't want nightmares do you.

On all of my medical forms growing up my dad wrote ‘red’ for my blood type. To this day no one knows my actual blood type

I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off.

Did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut

I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!

Me: ‘Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: ‘Poof, You’re a sandwich!

A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says, ‘Sorry we don’t serve food here.’